Last week, I ran into a family-friend who I hadn’t seen in over six months. The first thing she said to me was, “Kennedy, you look so beautiful! You’ve lost weight!”

How many conversations between women begin like this every day? I’d guess thousands.

The last time this woman saw me, I weighed somewhere between 15-20 pounds more than I do now. I have lost weight, but why did she feel comfortable to call attention to it? Why is my body weight a topic for discussion?

I don’t believe there was any harm intended by her statement, but I do think it’s thoughtless all the same. There could be countless reasons for my weight loss that are not something to celebrate. I could have a chronic illness or high anxiety or an eating disorder or cancer.

But because society has consistently told us that being thin is the goal, comments like “you’ve lost weight” are to be taken as a compliment.

Instead, I’d argue we should never discuss another person’s body, unless specifically prompted with consent. You never know the consequences of one errant comment.

For the women in my family, body weight is a frequently-used dinner table topic. We largely have my grandmother to thank, as she’s highly concerned with maintaining her petite figure.

While her favorite foods are Stover’s jelly beans and yellow wedding cake, you best believe she knows if she’s gained a pound since breakfast.

She is an incredibly disciplined person, always balancing her diet out so she can enjoy all foods, but still make sure her pants fit the same. She’s so strict that when she attended Weight Watchers to support my grandfather, they told her she needed to gain weight. All of these “disciplined” behaviors stem from a single comment from her brother.

As a teenager, my grandmother was an active high school cheerleader, always making trouble with her sister. When she was sixteen, she gained weight as women do when they’re developing. Her older brother felt the need to comment, saying, “Sis, you’ve gotten a little tubby.” She told me that since that day, she’s always been conscious of her weight. She will be 80 years-old in January. 64 years have been spent counting calories, stepping on scales, and keeping an eye on the number in her jeans.

Now, I know there are factors besides his comment that contribute to her obsession. Since the 1990s, being skinny has been sold to American women as the grand prize. If you lived through the Special K craze of the 2000s, you understand the measures taken to be a size 2 (I mean, they really had us out here eating cardboard). But what if she had never heard his comment? What if she never doubted her body or felt shame for its changes? Perhaps she would have spent her energy elsewhere. Perhaps she’d wear a bathing suit age 79 and celebrate what her body can still do.

The next time you notice someone has lost or gained weight, I urge you to hold your tongue. Even if they’re on a weight loss journey for health reasons, there are other ways to compliment them: “You’ve been so consistent, way to show up for yourself!” or “You’re full of energy today, I love your enthusiasm!” If you can’t think of anything to say, take this as an opportunity to get to know that person better. Ask questions and get to know the person beyond what you can see.

Our bodies allow us to exist and experience this incredible world, and we owe it to ourselves to take care of them so that we can continue to exist and experience this incredible world. But we are more than our bodies. And honestly, there is just so much more to talk about.